God’s “Perfect” Timing

per·fectadjective

ˈpərfikt/

1. having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be. 

It's amazing how the synonyms for perfect are those such as flawless, best, ultimate and in simplest terms, without fault. Yet, when something we desire happens at a timeless convenient for us, we wonder if it's as perfect as we think it should be. 

I've found myself thinking about this often, just reflecting on the transitions and life events that have occurred in this past year alone. Some I acknowledged as perfect from the beginning and others, not so much. I remember like yesterday the day I heard from God to no longer take birth control. It was March 2015. For the longest time, I questioned it. Most people that know me are aware that I was yelling to the mountain tops, "we aren't having kids for at least 2 years. We want to enjoy marriage, be in our first home and just be even more stable in our finances and our relationship." Needless to say, I fought hard not to obey. Yes, I literally wanted to be in control of when I had kids. "God, you know the desires of my heart. Why now? If I stop birth control then pregnancy is possible (because you know I'm married right and I'm technically still a newlywed.. Lol) Yes, I trust you, but can't we revisit this a few years from now; I've only been married 7 months."

   [Wedding Day, August 17, 2015] 

   [Wedding Day, August 17, 2015] 

In that moment, I had forgotten all about God's perfect timing because I was so set on the "perfect" situation based on where we currently were. I found myself crying at work, asking my husband if God had mentioned anything to him, and I even considered calling my sister to "see what she thought;" mainly because she and her husband had waited 2 years and trusted God without the use of birth control. Immediately, Holy Spirit nudged me and I knew my obedience was required. It was clear... 

Ashley, you heard me right the first time. No man's opinion about the plans I have for you matters at this moment. Calling the next person or waiting for confirmation is not what I have asked of you. How can you want me to open your womb and bless you with the family of your desires, yet you be in control of when that happens? 
Mind you, we had just refilled a 3 months supply of birth control. So in my mind, I thought, well God can't I just stop after I use what we just paid for? I mean, you could not have allowed us to waste our money if you already knew this would be the instructions. (Who did I think I was?) 

I went to bed early that night (in attempt to escape the situation), cried a little and woke up the next morning and instantly heard to throw away the pills right then and there. Ha!!! The joke was on me. I hadn't escaped anything. By that point, I wasn't interested in fighting any longer. I turned to his word and trusted that although I wasn't on birth control, God would fulfill my desires to not have children until my husband and I had been married for 2 years. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

{and God wouldn't "harm me" by giving me a baby before the 2 years - was the thought that allowed me to move forward} 

I meditated on the same faith and trust that I had just used months prior to obey God, having been given the green light that Justin was my husband, and marrying him after only 9 months (meeting, courtship, and engagement included). Yes, that was BOLD but I was at peace and knew it was right! Why couldn't I do the same for this circumstance? 

So moving forward...

That all happened in late March. I was on track to complete my double Masters in early May; was scheduled to have my wisdom teeth pulled in late May (and couldn't be pregnant for the procedure because of the sedation) and we were moving to Louisiana from Austin the first week in June. But God knew all that, right? 

Well, I had my wisdom teeth pulled in May and wasn't pregnant. My husband moved a week or so before me at the end of May (for work) and I also wasn't pregnant then. Yes, I would literally take tests often like, ok God, you still got me right? 


The time away from Justin felt more like months than a week. So of course when we were reunited I was head over heels having missed him a ton. The stress from closing tasks at my previous job was all gone and we were starting afresh in a new state. You can fill in the blanks for the in-between stuff, but after getting adjusted and living in Louisiana for about 2 weeks, I had a dream that I had a baby but it's name I did not know. Usually, I have dreams about other people being pregnant (and it's usually accurate) but I didn't think I could have a dream about myself. That next morning I took 2 different test and both had faint lines of being positive, but I didn't believe them. I went the entire day in denial. At some point, I just wanted to know for sure so I asked my husband to purchase a digital test. I took it the next morning and there was no way I could deny the obvious "Yes." 

[June 26, 2015]

[June 26, 2015]

While the above is the picture I sent to announce it to our immediate family; No, I wasn't excited. I told my husband I was "ok" but deep down inside I was sad and filled with every emotion except happiness. I couldn't believe what was happening. Pregnant!!! All while living with our parents, both being founding members of new charter schools, so much work ahead with ministry and doing what God ultimately called us back to Louisiana for, in the home-buying process and shoot-- what about me, my emotions and my sanity? Yes, I'm happily married yet I've moved and lived in 3 different states in less than a year. When will the life changes slow down and I be allowed to get "settled" in one space? I'm grateful for everything but God, this is too much! I miss my family, have to establish new friendships all over again and I just need a break from transitions. Those were the main thoughts that surrounded the news that had just been confirmed. Shoot, I even enjoyed taking a few announcement pics during our anniversary session, but I was really pulling on everyone else's excitement to get me through. 


Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love children but again, I just wasn't "prepared" or "ready" to have any of my own. It's totally different when you are carrying a seed that God is trusting you with. Everybody and their mama's mama declares how great of a mother I will be and always has, but if I never believe it for myself it doesn't do any justice. 
•••••••••

My process has truly been graced. I went the entire 1st trimester without sickness and even now in my 2nd at 27 weeks today, I can't complain. My worst days were when I had a stomach virus (which had nothing to do with my precious girl taking over my body, yet all to do with the kindergarten children I teach daily). So I am truly blessed in regards to my health and how everything is working out. It is now that I am able to embrace God's perfect timing which is indeed without fault. While I wanted many things in place before expecting, we have been able to simultaneously take care of several desires, hear even clearer directions from God, and are beyond excited for this next season in our lives. It is now that I thank God for opening my womb on his timing and I see the perfection in what I thought to be imperfect. I can truly say that I am happy to be pregnant and so in love with my baby! From this journey, not only will I birth our beautiful daughter, God continues to work on me and for that I am grateful. My desire is to be who he has called me to be; and if it were not for my initial obedience (although hard as heck) of ending birth control, I would not be about to witness the manifestation that is about to come forth. 

    [26 week bump-- haven't taken any today]

    [26 week bump-- haven't taken any today]

Many see my belly and know from it a child will be born, but I'm pregnant with more than just Smithseed. I'm EXPECTING greatness-- and declare that the birth of the things to come will change the world forever. I, Ashley Lanae has surrendered, and HIS glory shall be revealed.  

 
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