I Need Thee

So we’re expecting, again! There’s no baby bump to show or gender to reveal, but we anticipate our newest Smithseed to arrive in August 2018. As exciting as it may be for our family and friends, the excitement and joy (which we definitely have) comes a little different for my husband and I this time. 


I’m pretty sure it’s been noted by now, that an August due date puts this announcement a bit premature of the 12 week “safe zone” that they suggest waiting to announce because the chances of miscarriage are lessened. So now you’re wondering why we’re announcing so “early”, right? 


Well, when this is your fourth pregnancy and you only have one child running around there’s a different shift happening. You think about how at this point you would have been announcing the gender from your second pregnancy. You think about how at this point, you would surely still be grieving the loss of that child, but thanking God that you’re well out of the first trimester of your third pregnancy. Yet this time, you’re willing to not play it safe and just trust God through the process, literally thanking him for every minute you carry and every pregnancy sign you can conjure up. 


We are 9 weeks 4 days pregnant this time around and are refusing to allow fear to rob us of this experience. I selfishly did not want to tell anyone about my baby. I didn’t care to share any updates about my pregnancy and if it were up to me, everyone would have known when they started seeing two children (that’ll probably look like my husband, rolls eyes) instead of one. 


I’ve never been angry about it (still am not), just uncertain, heartbroken, afraid, sad, anxious and a bit disappointed. Uncertain if motherhood beyond one living child was for me. Heartbroken that I’d have to wait until eternity to hug and smell my sweet babies. Afraid to carry a child again. Sad that I had even shared it so soon before (with those that I did). Anxious to see for myself what exactly God is doing considering my fleshly eyes were finding it hard to see how everything was “...working for my good (Romans 8:28)”. And disappointed in my body, for what seemed to be “failing me” although my pregnancy with my living child was practically perfect! 


The process of the doctor deeming this a viable pregnancy was overwhelming in itself (I’ll blog about that later), let alone the fact that every single time I visit for prenatal care, I’ll be reminded of our losses with the vital check words of, “4th pregnancy, 2nd baby, right?” Needless to say, I don’t share this because of the need for pity. (Insert huge hugs and gratefulness for those that knew about one and/or both instances and have helped us get through this time as best as you could). Nor do I wish to hear how sweet this “rainbow baby” will be for our family. While I wholeheartedly agree that a rainbow is the sign of God’s promises fulfilled, it does not wash away the existence of the struggle. At times I still struggle, and more often than I’d like, my day-to-day tasks easily remind me of the very moments that I loss my babies.


(I’ll also blog on what you probably should/shouldn’t say to grieving mothers) 


I share in this space for HIS glory and I can only extend a humble and grateful heart for his choice to use me in this situation. While I know sharing and talking through this journey is an intricate part of my healing, I cannot ignore the words I spoke in my 2017 Reflections blog. 


As 2017 came to an end, I committed to

“being a better me and to fully receive the grace God gives me. To not allow uncertainty to withhold me from my assignments. To rejoice even when the world doesn’t present anything exciting. To be more transparent with what I “hear” needs to be shared and keep sacred what’s for me and my family.”


Here it is only January, and that very commitment is being tested. I fought. I gave in. I’ve heard very clear that this journey isn’t solely for me and to share it. Not to “play it safe” but to know that in his arms, I AM SAFE. So here’s to joining us on this road to meeting our newest edition, but even greater, the road to healing through vulnerability and glorifying God in the process. 


“ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, I need thee. 

Ashley Lanae12 Comments