May I Hug You?

“Actually sir, can you just stay right there. She’ll be right back”.


I remember looking back at my husband as if the world was ending as I tried to redirect my one-year-old in the direction of her father; quickly having to accept that neither of them could come along. The door shut and we walked down a hall that seemed like a 800-meter relay as she questioned me, only allowing for 1-2 word responses.


“So you’re pregnant”? 



“Are you sure”?

Yes, ma’am.


“Then why did they schedule you here and not with the OB department”?

“I’m not sure.”


Oh, ok. Well come on.


I proceeded to hesitantly explain my newest medical history of having two miscarriages within the past three months, and my midwife’s instructions to call the office the moment I had a positive pregnancy test. We had just gotten back from our first couples trip in St.Lucia when we initially found out. 


An at home pregnancy test had already said positive. While the results of the urine test at the doctors office were negative. I quickly asked for blood-work, because I was certain. Within a day or so my levels “suggested” I was pregnant, but again the doctor didn’t want to get my hopes up. She wanted to be sure my levels had completely subsided from the previous miscarriage. She ordered blood-work again in a week. Levels were rising, but she still refused to consider this a viable pregnancy. Her words were that it was “looking promising, but nothing was certain just yet”. As follow-up, she ordered for the very ultrasound that I had no idea I would have to “sit through” alone. 


The above tech told me NOTHING. In fact, she told me that she couldn’t tell me anything and that even if she saw something she wouldn’t. She also conducted the entire ultrasound with a face of confusion and spontaneous moments of saying “I just don’t understand why they sent you here and not OB”. 


2 days pass and I get an email notification (yet, again) that I had NEW Test Results. I logged into my portal and the doctor’s results of the ultrasound were


Your ultrasound shows the beginning of a potential pregnancy but no fetus is visible yet (it is just a sac). I would recommend a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks to allow time for it to develop more.”


I’m sure you can imagine by now the anxiety I felt. Every appointment got me closer and closer to confirming my baby, yet it felt like nothing allowed the doctor to mark my chart “viable”. 


So of course, I returned 2 weeks later. At this point I had gotten a positive home test nearly a month prior. Again, my appointment wasn’t with the OB department because of how early I was considered to be. So again, I went into a dark, boxed-in room alone. Well, just me and the tech. The second experience was totally different. The lady smiled. She congratulated me before she even started my ultrasound. She talked to me through the ultrasound, affirming that I had been sent there because of the estimated gestation of my baby. She had already studied my chart and knew my past history. By the end she turned to me and said, “looks like you’ll be seeing OB your next visit. Congrats again”. 


I left that appointment with so much peace. I hadn’t seen my baby for myself (only OB ultrasounds let you see the screen) but my experience that day is when it clicked for me. Although I wasn’t physically seeing what I knew to be true, I had to believe it was so; and to this day, I have not seen my sweet baby (the last ultrasound “confirmed” a pregnancy with an estimated gestation age of 7wks 1day, so another won’t be done until 20wks), yet I know he or she is progressing along. 


Speeding up to more recently (because all of that occurred in early December through early January)...


I had really been considering a fetal doppler. I hadn’t talked it over with my husband just yet because I went before God about it first. That may sound silly or even small to some people, but I really wanted to check my own heart in this area. Did I want one out of fear that one day my baby would not be there, or did I truly want to have the freedom of listening to the heart of my baby at my leisure? I didn’t want anything to inflict fear and cause me to get off track, and who better know what’s best for me than my Father? 


Not to mention my first appointment with my midwife last week being a bit emotional because the nurse couldn’t find baby’s heartbeat for nearly 3-4 minutes (although it felt like an hour). They hadn’t ended my last pregnancy in the system, so she was searching for baby higher than needed (the difference between what would have been 19weeks 5days and what was at the time, 11weeks).


Anywho, I hadn’t got a clear answer from God, yet I proceeded to search Facebook market for the very thing my heart desired. I still hadn’t talked to my husband about it either, let alone the anticipated money to be spent; but I searched. I expressed interest in one being sold near by and it fell through. I expressed interest in another one, and that too was pending pick up. I never got frustrated or even worried. Why, because although I was inquiring, I still hadn’t received the yes from God AND my husband. 


The very next morning, I decided to check my pending DM’s on instagram. I had noticed several requests the previous day, yet I don’t like to open and accept messages if I don’t have the time in that moment to thoroughly respond. Needless to say, one of the messages was from a sweet lady who had come across my page by what she referred to as a “coincidence”, although I of course don’t believe it to be so. She encouraged me about my decision to blog about my experiences and fears, while mentioning a few other relatable things. By the end of her message she was offering me a fetal doppler that I could have if I were to accept it (insert endless tears). I don’t even think I could respond at that moment. I recall responding a few hours later. 


Yet again, I had prayed about a thing and God brought forth a clear answer. This beautiful person had no idea that I had been in search of one, let alone that I was waiting on God for an answer. It was then that I shared the full story with my husband. No monetary expense, but even greater than that is God’s favor on my life and this woman’s obedience. 


I met her today to receive it. We talked very briefly but I couldn’t walk away without asking, “May I hug you”?


I have no idea if Mrs.Cherie is a hugger at all, but I’ll tell you one thing, God’s peace surrounds me! I can only pray that you allow him to hug you too, ‘cause this thing is not even about me. I’m literally watching this entire experience unfold; and it’s deeper than this blessing of life he’s allowing me to carry. 



Ashley Lanae4 Comments